Joseph Rose

When I see movies or read stories about other autistic kids, I feel lucky that Darwin doesn’t exhibit so many of the difficult/sad/dangerous behaviors that many others do. In general I find him to be a happy and affectionate child, whose only real demand in life is for french toast.

What I forget sometimes, is that he is only 4 years old and that his personality and behaviors will surely change. And, they are. In recent weeks it’s become pretty common for him to bash himself in the head repeatedly with both of his hands while he yells, often with tears streaming down his face. What could trigger such an extreme and self-abusive behavior, you ask? Well today it was because he dropped a wooden stick (tongue depressor) on the ground and couldn’t have it back. How much of that is age 4 behavior and how much of that is autism behavior? I have no idea. Regardless of the reason, it’s fucking ugly to see, and it kills me that I don’t have a way to prevent it from happening.

I am so scared for what autism might look like at ages 10, 16, 25, 40, etc. If there were a kind and merciful god in the sky somewhere, he would make sure that my son and I leave this world at the exact same moment so neither of us would need to struggle along without the other.

But there isn’t. There is much suffering ahead for us both.